The best jokes of Edinburgh Fringe 2024

The third week of the Fringe is over, and with the festival now in full swing the jokes just keep on getting better! Or so we have heard.
Our reporters have been selflessly yomping round Edinburgh’s finest clubs and its dingiest bars to make sure Times readers get a true sense of the rib-tickling fun going on all over town.
With new gags added every day, here’s a selection of the best.
“A thief in Yorkshire has stolen all the signs to the M1, the M62, and the M621. Police are looking for Leeds.” Danny Matinee, 199 Jokes Before Lunchtime: High Whisk, theSpace @ Symposium Hall, @0945
“I’m told I have an hourglass figure, but all my sand has gone to the bottom.” Louise Atkinson: She’s Got the Look @ Gilded Balloon Patter Hoose Coorie, @1700
“I don’t understand the ignorant. Nor do I care to.” Amos Gill: Going Down Swinging @ Underbelly Bristo Square (Dairy Room) @1945
“Hitler was an artistic vegetarian with weird facial hair. He would have loved using Instagram and using the hashtag ‘putting the Arian in Vegetarian’.” Joe McTernan: Lost, Underbelly Bristo Square — Friesian @1850
I’ve just bought the world’s largest pigeon! I know, massive coo. Danny Matinee, 199 Jokes Before Lunchtime: High Whisk, theSpace @ Symposium Hall, @0945
“Millennials and Gen Zs are about to get conscripted into the British military forces, but how’s that gonna work? Literally, all of us are like … sorry, I can’t come to war, I’m recording a podcast”. Kate-Lois Elliott: How to belong without joining a cult, @Gilded Balloon Patter House @1600
“I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship, but I bottled it.” Mark Simmons: More Jokes @ Liquid Rooms Annexe @1345 (Named the funniest joke of the Fringe)
“Do you know the sandwich rule? It’s when you want to give someone a criticism and you sandwich it between two compliments. Like when a wife tells her husband: ‘oh, baby, I love the flowers, I am leaving you, and your brother is a great lover’.” Mustafa Algiyadi: Almost Legal Alien. Just The Tonic Nucleus @ Just the Sub-Atomic Room @1630
“My parents are excited to have grandkids. And I agree. Grandkids are great; it’s kids that are the problem. We all love to go to an escape room, that doesn’t mean we want to go to prison.” Alex Kealy: The Fear. Hive @ Monkey Barrel @1615
“If fortune favours the brave, then why are so many veterans sleeping under this bridge?” Amos Gill: Going Down Swinging at Underbelly Bristo Square (Dairy Room) @1945
“My dad used to say to me ‘Pints, gallons, litres’ which, I think, speaks volumes.” Olaf Falafel: Has Anyone Actually Ever Woven A Sigourney? Laughing Horse at the Pear Tree @1545
“Being born in the West Country, it wasn’t obvious that Ancestry.com isn’t meant as a dating app.” Ollie Horn: Comedy for Toxic People (and their friends) Hoots@Potterrow @2100
“I drink too much. Every time I empty my recycling it sounds like someone is bowling a strike.” Alexander Bennett: Emotional Daredevil, Gilded Balloon @ Patter Hoose (Coorie) @1820
“I went for a job interview and they asked for my umbilical cord! It was to be a naval attache.” Danny Matinee, 199 Jokes Before Lunchtime: High Whisk, theSpace @ Symposium Halll @0945
“Ate horse at a restaurant once — wasn’t great. Starter was alright but the mane was dreadful.” Alex Kitson: Must I Paint You A Picture? Hootenannies @ Potterrow @2255
“I love Zumba, it combines all the thrill of latin-American street dance with the joy of being a village community hall.” Sam Lake: Esméralda, Monkey Barrel 2 @1330
“I saw a guy drunk-driving a hearse. Out there drumming up business.” Stuart Laws: Stuart Laws Has To Be Joking? @ Monkey Barrel Hive 2 @1645
“You often read that someone ‘turned to the alt-right after watching dozens of 2hr+ videos on YouTube’, and it’s harrowing to realise I don’t have the attention span to become a fascist.” Alex Kealy: The Fear Hive @ Monkey Barrel @1615
“My farmer joke is corny, but the optician joke is cornea.” Danny Matinee: 199 Jokes Before Lunchtime: High Whisk @ theSpaceUK, Symposium Hall @0945
“I looked all the way through the travel brochure and chose Zanzibar — it was the last resort.” Danny Matinee
“They were doing a 3 for 2 sale on socks. And I thought, ‘I usually only buy them in pairs’.” Sam Lake: Esméralda, Monkey Barrel 2 @1330pm.
“Working as the conductor on a ghost train was all tickety boo.”Olaf Falafel: Has Anyone Actually Ever Woven a Sigourney? @ Laughing Horse at the Pear Tree @1545
“The good news was I told my girlfriend I thought we were going to be together for ever. The bad news was that she said that was one of many things we didn’t have in common.”Alex Kitson: Must I Paint You A Picture? @ Wee Yurt, Hoots@Potterrow @2255
“Tonight I’m seeing Waiting for Godot — it’s top of my Beckett list.”Danny Matinee: 199 Jokes Before Lunchtime: High Whisk @ theSpaceUK, Symposium Hall @0945
“A posh guy once said to me that his family went back to the Middle Ages and I was like, ‘Yeah mate, so does mine — that’s how families work.’”Milo Edwards: How Revolting! Sorry to Offend @ Monkey Barrel 2 @1745
“I went to the doctor. She said, ‘Here’s every copy ever of Chiropractor Monthly magazine.’ Now I’ve got a load of back issues.” Danny Matinee: 199 Jokes Before Lunchtime: High Whisk @ theSpaceUK, Symposium Hall @0945
“People assume just because I am from Libya, then I don’t know much about freedom of expression, which is completely wrong. Because everyone in Libya has the freedom to restrict the freedom of others.”Mustafa Algiyadi: Almost Legal Alien @ Just the Tonic Nucleus, Just the Sub-Atomic Room @1630
“The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati.”Olaf Falafel: Has Anyone Actually Ever Woven a Sigourney? @ Laughing Horse at the Pear Tree @1545
“You can get rich but you can’t become posh. If I won the EuroMillions tomorrow I wouldn’t suddenly decide to marry my first cousin and shoot a grouse.”Milo Edwards: How Revolting! @ Sorry to Offend. Monkey Barrel 2 @1745
“Had my wedding recently. I married a midwife, so she’s upgraded to a full wife.”Ed Patrick: Catch Your Breath @ The Stand Comedy Club – Stand 3, @1530 (August 1-11) and Comedians’ Surgery The Stand Comedy Club 3, August 15-17 @1530
“People think Luke Littler looks like an adult, I think he looks like a sentient Sunday roast.” Raul Kohli: Raul Britannia @ Just the Tonic at Cabaret Voltaire @1830
“I’ve slept with a lot of people in my time. Not an entire army, but I could certainly defend a castle.” Louise Atkinson: She’s Got the Look @ Gilded Balloon Patter Hoose Coorie @1700
“The other day I got catcalled in Sainsbury’s by two school children. I love a man in uniform, but that’s not quite what I had in mind.” Bella Humphries: Square Peg. @ Just the Tonic, The Mash House — Just the Bottle Room @1810
“When I found out my wife had been having an affair with an auctioneer I had to ask her, ‘How long has this been going, going, on?’” Richard Pulsford: Get Rich Quick @ The Beehive Inn, Grassmarket @1245
“My desire to spontaneously sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always just a whim away.” Olaf Falafel: Has Anyone Actually Ever Woven a Sigourney? @ Laughing Horse at the Pear Tree @1545
“I took my WeightWatchers group to a casino. Only problem was, none of them would put their chips down.” Masai Graham: Aaaaaaaaaaaargh! Here Comes Trouble! @ Laughing Horse at Dropkick Murphys @1600
“I used to work at a theatre company that only put on productions of Dorian Gray. But that got old fast.” Will Davies: Wrongs @ The Spare Room at Just the Tonic at The Caves @1140
“I am Norwegian and my name is Haaland, so people always assume I am related to the footballer Erling Haaland. I always say, ‘Not related, just divorced’ … Which is my future goal.” Pernille Haaland: Not Related @ Gilded Balloon Patter Hoose @1740
“The Romans invented Vaseline; or was it Ancient Grease?” Chris Turner: Childish @ Belly Dancer, Underbelly, Cowgate @1745
“There’s times I feel so low I think the only way out is to get in my car and drive as fast as I can into a tree. But I would never go through with it because I’m a feminist and I wouldn’t want to leave that legacy for female drivers.” Bella Humphries: Square Peg @ Just the Tonic at Mash House Bottle Room @1810
“I come out in a rash whenever I hear extended metaphors. It’s analogy.” Alex Kitson: Must I Paint You A Picture? @ Wee Yurt, Hoots@Potterrow @2255
“For me, talking about my trauma on stage is difficult, it’s like running a marathon, by which I mean I’m only doing it for attention.” Sam Lake: Esméralda @ Monkey Barrel 2 @1.30pm
“I’m an Indian-American living in London or, as I call it, reverse colonisation.” Sid Singh: American Coloniser @ Just the Tonic at Cabaret Voltaire @5pm
“Cabinets: What are they hiding?” Abby Wambaugh: The First 3 Minutes of 17 shows @ Pleasance Courtyard (Attic) @7.15pm
“My cousin’s a whistleblower. He referees school football games, which is how he found out what had been happening to those kids.” Amos Gill: Going Down Swinging @ Underbelly Bristo Square (Dairy Room) @7.45pm
“I’m deliberately trying to get a short girlfriend because they’ll take up less room in my tiny flat. I’m hanging around rollercoaster queues looking for ladies who can’t get on.”Alexander Bennett: Emotional Daredevil @ Gilded Balloon Patter Hoose (Coorie) @6.20pm
“I was recently confirmed ​autistic. First you get baptised autistic, then confirmed once you’re old enough to walk side by side with Jesus. So you don’t have to look him in the eyes.” Stuart Laws: Stuart Laws Has To Be Joking? @ Monkey Barrel Hive 2 @4.45pm
“My boyfriend and I moved in together after seven months of dating. But when you know, you know. I knew when he called me before going to bed every night. He knew when his landlord put his rent up 50 per cent.”Sasha Ellen: My MILF-shake Brings All the Boys to the Yard @ Cabaret Voltaire @6.30pm
​“Comedy is tough: I said to an audience member: ‘You’ve got a twinkle in your eye.’ He looked worried and said, ‘I’ve got conjunctivitis’.” ​Chelsea Birkby: This Is Life, Cheeky Cheeky @ Just The Tonic at the Caves, Just Out of the Box @9.20pm
“​A lettuce outlasted Liz Truss, a lettuce. I can only assume it was romaine.” Nerine Skinner: The Exorcism of Liz Truss @ Just The Tonic at the Caves @2:40pm
​“I love pies. I HATE when they call it a pie but it’s just a stew with a lid. If I wanted to hang out with a wet chicken in a hat, I could just call my ex-boyfriend.”Bella Hull: Piggie @ Courtyard (Bunker) @9.45pm
“I invented a new sex position called the 70. It’s one better than a 69 where she lies away from me and I cry in the foetal position.” Alex Kitson: Must I Paint You A Picture? Newcomer. Hootenannies @ Potterrow (Wee Yurt) @10.55pm
“My uncle said, ‘Do you know what campanology is?’ I said, ‘It rings a bell?’”Danny Matinee, 199 Jokes Before Lunchtime: High Whisk, theSpace @ Symposium Hall @9.45am
“Once I got trapped down a sewer. The good thing about being consistently mentally ill though is if you ever do go missing, it’s only a matter of time until someone’s like, ‘Has anyone checked the sewer?’Harriet Dyer: Skin, Gilded Balloon Patter Hoose (Coorie) @3.40pm